A Lord of the Rings Christmas!
by LocalTalent53
Summary: Christmas time is here, and Elrond and the group are celebrating Christmas in Rivendell! Things are definitely going to go wrong! Rated T for slight sexual humor and my weird sense of humor.


Hello, everyone! LocalTalent53 here! I just had to have some kind of Christmas special this year, and The Lord of the Rings was just calling to me...anyway! I hope you enjoy this little Christmas special!

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and all characters and places belong to J. R. R. Tolkien, one of the greatest writers who ever lived. Anything else trademarked is copyright by their respected selves.

A Lord of the Rings Christmas

By LocalTalent53

Snow settled on the grand haven of Rivendell, for it was Christmas, and many were in the holiday spirit. Among those were Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took. The hobbits, and others, were currently around a great Christmas tree, and Elrond was passing out gifts.

As you may have assumed, they had participated in something one would call "Secret Santa", in which one would draw someone's name, and, without telling the person, be responsible for getting a gift for that specific person. Now, today was the day they opened these acquired presents.

Elrond grabbed a wrapped grant and read the tag. "The first present goes to Sam," he declared. The hobbit grasped the gift, excitement covering his face.

"What is it, I reckon? It says here, 'To Samwise, from Frodo." He hurriedly tore the wrapping off of it, and his face lit up with pleasure. "A gardener's kit! Much appreciated, Mr. Frodo!" He flipped it open, and paid no more attention to the entire event.

"Next, a gift to Gimli from Legolas, and vice versa," Elrond stated, and handed the present to the stubborn dwarf.

"Let us see if I enjoy this present." Gimli opened the present, and gasped, lifting up a golden axe coated in brilliant diamonds. "It's beautiful…now I feel a tad bad…"

"For what reason?" asked Legolas as he carefully unwrapped his present, to find a letter. "What?" He opened it, read it, and closed it, mouth agape. "Quite insulting!"

Elrond ignored the two, and was now in possession of a new present. "This one is to Aragorn, from Eowyn." Aragorn accepted the gift.

"Hmm," he murmured after opening it to find a new sword in his hands, "quite sturdy, but it is, however, blunt." Eowyn sighed in defeat. Another chance at Aragorn's love ruined. At least she still had Faramir.

Speaking of Faramir, Elrond was handing him a present from Arwen. "And it had better not be something _too_ expensive, or I shall know exactly where the funds came from," he told him, glaring over at Arwen. She gulped.

Faramir opened it, and found the horn of Gondor in it, now mended. "I thank you dearly, Arwen, daughter of Elrond."

The next present went to Merry, from Sam. "I wonder what it is?" He ripped off the wrapping, and squealed in delight. "Pipe tobacco! Oh joy!" He then prepared to smoke it.

The next went to Gandalf, from Faramir. He opened it, and was quite delighted to now wield an oaken staff. "I quite enjoy this replacement of my former oaken staff," he declared.

"This gift is for Peregrin, from Meriadoc," Elrond informed them. Pippin' greedily accepted the present, shredding the wrapping off of it. "Oh bounty of all things quite delectable!" he exclaimed, and lifted out from the box the most enormous turkey one had ever laid eyes on. "It's like a never ending Christmas!" he beamed, and sat there, waiting for the other presents to be distributed to their receivers.

"'To Eowyn, from Gandalf' this one reads." Elrond handed the mystical golden present to Eowyn. It gave off a magnificent goldenrod glow.

"Oh my! I cannot believe it! The One Present to rule them all! Absolutely splendid!" However, before she open it and discover the secrets of the universe, Sauron burst into the room, in normal body and all.

"_I must have it!_" he exclaimed, and purloined the present from the shield maiden before leaving the room.

"Was not he dead?" inquired Legolas, however, everyone else was too busy comforting the now sobbing Eowyn.

"Well, too bad, Eowyn. No Christmas for you," assured Elrond.

"That is not to be, for I have a backup present!" bellowed Gandalf, and he conjured up another present. Eowyn opened it and found a pony.

"Joy returns to me yet!" squealed Eowyn.

"How did that pony fit into the present?" asked Frodo.

"Never mind you and your pessimistic side!" said Gandalf before turning away to chat with Faramir.

"Next, Frodo receives a present from me," stated Elrond, and he handed Frodo a spectacular gift of violet ribbons. Frodo opened the gift, and tried his best to put on a happy face.

"…mithril. Splendid."

Elrond beamed. "I am pleased that you like it."

Frodo placed the undershirt with the pile of over a dozen mithril he had already received from various elves. _This is what I get for spending Christmas with the elves._

The next present was from Aragorn, and it went to Arwen. She opened the box, and found a beautiful piece of jewelry inside. "It is gorgeous."

"It is from Jared™," stated Aragorn. Whispers rose among the group.

"He went to Jared™!"

"I cannot believe it! How could he afford such a thing?"

"He is the King of Gondor, in case you forgot!"

"Still, he went to Jared™!"

Elrond's hoarse shout brought them to attention.

"Now that you are all silent," began Elrond, "there remains but one present, and it is, from what I see, addressed to me." He read the tag. "Hmm, to Elrond, from…_yours truly, Peregrin Took!?!_" He glanced over at Pippin', a bit of fear in his eyes.

Pippin' merely smiled back. _And now, for the grand finale, _he thought. _And then I can roast this turkey!_

All eyes were directed at Elrond. Tension was obvious. Elrond inhaled, exhaled, removed the wrapping, and opened the present-

_**BOOM!!!**_

An explosion of gravy erupted from the present, covering every last chip of wood in the room. No one escaped the explosion untouched by gravy.

Elrond wiped the sauce off of his face, steam almost literally fuming out of his pointed ears. He glared over at Pippin', who was still in the vicinity.

"Now that the turkey is covered in gravy, I can roast it in sheer joy," stated Pippin' merrily.

"_PEREGRIN TOOK!!!_"

"I should run at this moment," he realized, and took off, laughing like a hyena, as Elrond chased after him, shouting elven curses at him.

The room was mute. No one spoke a word. Finally, Gandalf sighed. "So much for an enjoyable holiday."

"Do not fret my friend," reassured Aragorn. "For me, it is indeed a merry Christmas!" And with that, he proceeded to kissing Arwen.

And so ended the story of how Peregrin Took ruined Christmas for everyone (except for Aragorn and Arwen, of course). However, the rest of their days were indeed merry. Elrond prosecuted Pippin', and banished him from Rivendell for the rest of his days. Legolas and Gimli set aside their differences and hunted orcs for profit. Samwise gardened legendary gardens, and became the Shire's number one gardener. Merry smoked all of the tobacco, and then bought some more. Gandalf retired. Faramir and Eowyn took care of Rohan for a good number of years. Pippin', banished from Rivendell, stole Bag End from Frodo, and grew rich off of antiques that once belonged to Bilbo Baggins. Aragorn and Arwen had a child from a fine Christmas night (hint, hint…), and named him Arawen for the heck of it. Finally, Frodo went to Jared™ to get himself a nice piece of jewelry in exchange for all of his mithril.

The end…almost.

In the sky Christmas night, a sleigh guided by flying orcs flew through the sky. In it, was Santa Balrog.

"_Ho ho ha ha ha! Merry Christmas, and to all, coal in your stockings!_" And with that, the sleigh's ropes attached to the harnesses of the orcs broke off, and down, down, down fell Santa Balrog.

The End (for real this time)

Well, any comments? Read and review, please!


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